Ten reasons why I should be on The Colbert Report regarding “The Decision” and prostate cancer

10 reasons why I should be a guest on the author segment of The Colbert Report

#10—I can pronounce it the right way…kolbear Rappor

#9—-I am an author and have a book to discuss and my book is number one on Amazon….(if you search urology/medical book/prostate cancer/the decision/mchugh/ and the color of my hair, birthdate, and book’s 13 decimal ISBN number).

#8—-Prostate cancer a hot topic, its discussion would heighten prostate cancer awareness, and give Mr. Colbert an opportunity at public service “Giving back to the folks”… wait that’s O’Reilly

#7— The segment of the show that is “The Word” can all be little known prostate facts and myths that I can provide… I also can tinge it with a little politics hinting at the issues related to the use of the PSA, Richard Ablin and the American Cancer Society.

#6—-I have lot’s of Viagra samples for the production crew and Mr. Colbert

#5—-My name can be pronounced two ways if you change the last letter i.e. McHugh to McHuge (very urologic and very suggestive)

#4—–I would gladly be made fun of to be on the  with my favorite show host

#3—–We have something in common…. In the Modest Mouse song “ Dashboard” there is a reference to “ I just want to catch the last laugh of this show”   a reference to Colbert’s show which means they watch him too and maybe he likes their music also. I love Modest Mouse. We could do a song together with the band….” The windshield was missing but I love the fresh air you know.” Poignant.

#2——I am funny, engaging and know politics and have several quasi inappropriate “ penis jokes” I could tell “ How does a man’s pants fit if he has five penises? Like a glove! Etc….. I can do “em” all day.

#1—–I can do free rectal exams on his entire staff for free (A Colbert prostate screening clinic—it will be the rage in all of the talk shows after this- I could be the prostate doctor to the stars.)  I’d do Colbert’s exam live just like Dr. Oz did.

-I can write the entire interview and make him look good… I am only a prop that wants national time, he is the host and star and it should be all about him coming across informed, funny, and cleverer than me and me being contentedly defensive. I can smile after he makes fun of me, my book or something that I might say. I don’t mind being taught how to be a good author guest that appropriately laughs at himself after something cutting and cute that the host might say. For example… I can see it now…….

Book interview with Stephen Colbert

Colbert: Our guest tonight is Dr. John McHugh and he has written a book on prostate cancer. “The Decision: Your prostate biopsy shows cancer now what?

Showing the cover of the book for the camera:

So is this some sort of urine bag you are wearing here… what is this?  Pointing to the cover with a tube coming out of the pants of the author and then down to a bag with a yellow liquid in it.

McHugh: Well, it’s a prop….that’s not urine in there it’s beer, One Icehouse and one Bud Light to be exact.

Colbert: Beer? Why beer? Where in the hell is that tube going to anyway?

McHugh: Apple juice was too orange. The tube in the real situation would be going into the bladder. I am trying to show the dual nature of the urologist as a patient.

Colbert: The way this picture is shot from above looks familiar to me.

McHugh: I copied you. You know how your intro has the eagle and you are looking up. I told the photographer I wanted it to look like the way Colbert does.

Colbert: Prostate cancer is not exactly the most exciting conversation starter. Why would I want to buy your book?

McHugh: You wouldn’t want to buy it. It will interest someone who has or knows of someone who has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. I also wanted something for urologists to hand to their newly diagnosed patients the day they are told of the cancer. Once you or someone you love has the disease, then, you’ll want to read it.

Colbert: As an aside, why in the hell would anybody want to go into urology. I mean the stuff you guys have to do to make a living?

McHugh: My mother said the same thing. My wife says the money“spends well.”

Colbert:  What is the prostate anyway…sounds kinda like a small fast car made in Germany?

McHugh: That’s a Porsche.

Colbert: Do women get prostate cancer?

McHugh: No they don’t have one.

Colbert: Do men get breast cancer?

McHugh: Yes.

Colbert: That doesn’t seem fair. Why do you hear so much more about breast cancer in women than you hear about prostate cancer in men? Is it because you can see breasts but you can’t see prostates. I mean…. Men will feel a women’s breast I guess, but the reverse would be unusual. Is that part of the problem?

McHugh: I guess that would be one way of looking at it.

Colbert:  I have to admit to you… I don’t know much about the prostate or my prostate for that matter. What exactly is it, where is it, what does it do and what does it feel like if there is cancer in it?

McHugh: I think you’ve made my point on the relevance of the book and why you were kind enough to have me on your show. I could answer your questions much better if I could examine your prostate. I did bring along a pair of gloves and KY jelly. Do you mind?  Placing two gloves and a tube of the lubricant on the table between the host and author. ( I can pull out other interesting props or some other sponsored item for that matter. Think Doritos.)

Colbert: Very quickly…. Dr. McHugh it was very nice having you on the show. Nation…the book is “The Decision” and it is available on most major  online book stores. Thank you Dr. McHugh. Whewwwww!